Whatever

I have just finished watching All My Life .

When I watch something, I pay extreme attention on the dialogue. You see, I always find enlightenment in such – dialogue, quotes, lyrics, etcetera. In the numerous times misery consumed me, I read a book/fanfic, listened to songs and watched movies. There is always something that a character says that manages to instill some beautiful notion in me.

At the same time, movies give me a lot of what-ifs and add a great deal of paranoia.

In the movie, Kristine Hermosa (Louie) was having a heart-to-heart talk with her dad (Ricky Davao).

Louie: Ewan ko Dad…si Joey (Bernard Planca) kasama ko na mga bata pa lang kami…pero hanggang ngayon hindi ko pa rin siya talaga kilala…pero si Sam…isang linggo ko lang nakasama…pero parang kilala ko na siya buong buhay ko…

Now the what if.

What if a Sam arrives in his life (okay fine…Samantha) perhaps in college? What if a Sam arrives in mine too?

I do not know. I can’t even imagine what it will be like if I’m no longer in love (I hate using the term) with him. Is that even possible?

What really do I fear?

In fact, I am most certain that it is this fear that is most responsible for my firm decision against leaving for CA.

I fear that one day, after suffering the agony of the wait – saving all my love for him (again, I sound disgusting) – I will come back only to find out that he

a.) is already engaged
b.) is already committed
c.) is deeply in-love with someone
d.) ibang gender na (what the hell? Mayayari na naman ako nito eh…)

I fear the moment when I find myself crying in front of him because he just said the words killing the chance for my feelings to push through.

~~~~~~

I really need help now. The addiction is overwhelming. For several nights now I sleep while hugging my pillow tight…er…I’m imagining my pillow to be…uhm…something (someone?) else. Whatever.

Bernard Palanca's name in the movie - hmmm...whatever.