Confused

When my connection finally understood my appetite only innernet can satisfy, my YM window automatically opened and unfolded in full glory in front of me. It was about eleven (my heart is full of endless gratitude to my connection) when I logged in.

Oh…the same people…

I just scanned my list, hurrying to see the bottom…

But then, for the first time in centuries I guess, something caught my eye in the beginning of the list.

I don’t know why – I don’t have even the least idea why – why my heartbeat went nonstop that time.

Kinakabahan ako.

When I saw the name in my list – the name beside a smiley icon – my heartbeat ran amok.

It was so creepy…I felt so confused and nervous all of a sudden…

I felt sweat dripping down my forehead…

It was almost a year since we last had communication…perhaps more than a year…

And so we talked…the usual kamustahan…

But still…it was eerie…my fingers were shaking as I type words back to him.

I felt confused. Why did I feel so anxious? It’s as if I was so scared yet at the same time I felt… rapturous.

A blast from the past, Allister said.

Confusion overwhelmed me above everything. I mean…I am most certain of what I feel for Yamada but – why did I feel so jumpy and afraid and ecstatic all at the same time?

Maybe the fact that it’s so disturbing…so disturbing because it’s like something dead long ago came back to haunt me.

“Kaya ka siguro kinakabahan dahil natatakot ka na baka something might return at
maconfuse ka between sa kanila ni Yamada.”

Thank you so much, Monster.

Okay…maybe it’s just because it’s only now that we are able to talk again. Maybe it’s just because of a year-long hiatus of communication.

Or maybe it’s just because of how things are turning out between Yamada and me. Maybe because Yamada is just – I don’t know…

I was expecting this to happen - the confusion I'm feeling and everything of that shit - with Jixer. But when Jix and I finally sorted things out - it was absolute. He was not forgotten - but the feelings I kept before are now long gone.

Nagulat talaga siguro ako. Biglaan.

He told me he just downloaded YM in his own PC again so most likely we'd be able to talk more frequently.

I don’t even know if it’s right to post this entry.

God…I’m so confused.

And why did God allow them to have the same name?

I'm so emotional.Nakakadiri na talaga.