Placido Penitente

Videoke

2007-04-23T08:20:00.001-07:00

Owkei! Videoke muna.

I’ve been spending some time, thinking i’d be alright
Don’t know if I could really make it tonight (Nang hindi ka kinakausap...?)
Lie awake in the dark, come down then I start (Oo. Nakahiga na nga pero di pa rin makatulog.)
Thinking about you is almost breaking my heart (Haaay...)
I don’t know where I went wrong, or what’s going on
Baby, I fell like our love’s lost tonight
Should I stay, should I go?
Well, I really don’t know
Lately I’ve been missing you so

[Refrain]
Baby, you don’t understand our love lies lost
But you’re still holding my hand
Oh and then you walk away
Just tonight, I want you to stay

[Chorus]
You’re turning me on, you turn me around

You turn my whole world upside down

Everytime I hurt you, well it’s hurting me too
Don’t know if I could really stay here tonight

Tired of thinking of you

I never think that you do
Tell me what am I supposed to do
Well, I just wanted to say that I need you today
Tell me it’s all gonna work out alright
I don’t know where I should I start
But with all of my heart
Baby let me be your lover tonight
[repeat Refrain and Chorus]

Oh you know, you turn me upside down
You know, you turn me upside down

Haha. Wala lang.

From the very first time
I rest my eyes on you boy
My heart said follow through
But I know now that I’m way down on your line
But the waiting feeling’s fine
So don’t treat me like a puppet on a string
Cause I know how to do my thing
Don’t talk to me as if you think I’m dumb
I wanna know when you’re gonna come

[Chorus]

I don’t wanna wait in vain for your love

Summer is here, I’m still waiting there
Winter is here and I’m still waiting there

Like I said
It’s been three years since I’ve been knocking at your door (exag...1 lang)
And I still can knock some more
Ooh boy, ooh boy
Is it crazy love?
For I do knock some more
You see in life I know
There’s lots of grief
But your love is my relief, yeah (asa.)
Tears in my eyes burn
Tears in my eyes burn

While I’m waiting, while I’m waiting for my turn, oh

[repeat Chorus]

You know I, you know I
I don’t wanna wait in vain
No no no I you know I
I don’t wanna wait in vain
It’s your love that I’m waiting oh
It’s my love that your running from
It’s your love that I’m waiting oh
It’s my love that your running from

Talagang waiting in vain. Hahaha. Kadiri.

I see you, beside me

It’s only a dream

A vision of what used to be
The laughter, the sorrow
Pictures in time
Fading to memory (namimiss ko 'yung dating ikaw...)
How could I ever let you go
Is it too late to let you know

Chorus:
I tried to run from your side
But each place I hide
It only reminds me of you
When i turn out all the lights
Even the night
It only reminds me of you

I needed my freedom
That’s what I thought
But I was a fool to believe
My heart breaks while you cried
Rivers of tears
But I was too blind to see
Everything we’ve been through before
Now it means so much more, yeah

[repeat Chorus]

Only you
Ghad...bakit mo kasi ako ginaganito?

Happy

2007-04-21T08:40:00.000-07:00

So my brain cells are not capable of giving a decent title.

I just came home from Linnaeus’ lakad . I am again at my most festive spirits – it was so much fun even though only a few people were with me. I really didn’t want to go home but I have to – mama fetched me since she was also in Manila to attend to some important matters of her own.

So the details.

The call time was actually 9 in the morning but as usual, I arrived at 11:30. Iric texted me that they were in Mcdo but at the same time, John Paul also sent me a message asking where the hell I was and that they’re in Jollibee.

Wow. Talk about consistency.

So I smelled kabarberuhan brewing. I checked Mcdo first but they were not there – I should have believed John Paul. I forgot kabarberuhan was contagious – and Iric was always with Laarni when we were juniors.

Oh yeah, the first things they noticed was my fitted black slacks ending a few inches below my knees. Then they made their usual nasty remarks about my top. Then they tried to take off my blazer. Then Cielo bullied me to get my mp4 player.

Oh yeah, I was really with Linnaeus ’06.

As I expected, late as I was though, Laarni came in later than I was.

We headed off to Rob and ate at Karate Kid. Since I’m more used to KFC food than the crap they serve in Karate Kid (joke!poor…) and at the moment I was still short in dough, I ordered food from KFC and ate outside Karate Kid (as they make malevolent comments on how poor the KFC people are – and they do that with a lot of “Eeeew! How poor! Don’t eat with us!”).

We stayed at Gbox and made a fortune (yeah, with tickets) by trying out every arcade machine in the vicinity. In the end, we were able to buy eight cute monkey boys (as memorabilia) who spurt water from their lower extremities when you squeeze their abnormally huge heads.

We lingered at Mcdo and had some Coke Float and – er – the routine sharing of God damn corny jokes.

MJ’s deadline came so I took John Paul to the bus stop. When I went back to Rob, they’re nowhere to be found. I texted them but nobody replied – I called them but nobody answered their God damn phones. I thought of going directly to Gelo’s condo but they’re not there. I called everyone and finally – viva Sto. Niño- Laarni picked hers up. Turned out the God damn people were sitting outside Masci. By the way, Laarni ended the call with a“Nakakairita ka!”.

Oh…courtesy…haha.

On the way to Masci from Arcadia, when I was walking beside Astral, some stranger wagged his hands in front of me. I was wearing earphones that time and I thought it was nothing so I continued walking briskly. When the volume of the song eased a little, I was able to hear some shouting so I turned around and saw this stranger in a motor bike. It was embarrassing – he was addressing me but I ignored him because I was –er – soundtripping.

So I took off one of the earphones and said “sorry”.

Stranger: Hindi mo pala narinig – naka earphones ka kasi.

Feeling more apologetic, I removed the other earphone.

I: Ano po ‘yon?
Stranger: Pwede magtanong?
I: Ok lang po.
Stranger: Saan banda ‘yung taft?

I thought it was funny and stupid but considering he might be some biker who got lost, I answered properly.

I: Ah, ‘yan lang po oh (hand gesture)
Stranger: Ah ganun ba…anong name mo?

I was really taken aback by that question. What the hell?!

I: Christine po.
Stranger: Ah…taga-saan ka?
I: Ah…Parañaque po.
Stranger: May number ka?
I: Ah…er…wala po.
Stranger: Saan ka pupunta?

Under pressure. I had to come up with something that doesn’t sound like talkshit- even if it is. I’m really getting nervous with this- er – creep. The God damn stranger is scary.

I: Ah…diyan lang po. Kakain lang po.
Stranger: Gusto mo ihatid na kita?
I: Ha?
Stranger: Ihahatid kita. Sa bike ko.

Okay. You pressed a nerve. I’ve been keeping patient with your disgusting antics for too long now (about five minutes?).

I: (raises eyebrow)
Stranger(sensed rising blood pressure): Hindi naman ako masamang tao, miss.

Yeah right. Like a person in his right mind will do anything like that. Die, bitch!

So half running, I finally found them and I retold the creepy tale. As usual, after a few serious questions, they began cracking jokes about it.

We tottered to Gelo’s place by 5 pm already.

Sitting at the rooftop, we talked about a lot of stuff – college pre-enlistment, third year memories, green crap, etcetera. Then the bitches felt like stargazing and alked about astrology because “someone” said “astrology” instead of “astronomy”(Oh, who could that be? Viva sto. Niño!).

The topic drifted from astrology to the supernatural. It was already dark that time so when someone suggested that we should talk at KFC instead, the bitches ran like embarrassing five-year-olds down the stairs.

Wow. I really missed Gelo...not in the romantic way or anything. I missed our friendship. It was only this day that we talked and talked and talked like we did in our first days as juniors. We used to talk so much about Yaoi and Naruto (yeah, I WAS a huge fan of Yaoi before).

So I guess that’s it.

Wow, it’s only now that I ended an entry properly.

I’ll start rearranging my life now.

“Don’t make someone your priority – if you’re only an option.”,

so says Ashley’s status message.

Oh, erase that.

“ – if you’re less than an option.”

Oh, I’m not really making drama and all that shit. I’m just…contemplating…and analyzing.

Pray and Believe – everything happens for His reasons.

Do I make you proud?

2007-04-17T10:01:00.000-07:00

I went to Intramuros today with Charmaine, Au, Lev, Menggay, Mina and Garry. We just checked the places wherein we can stay on the 29th whether it’s God damn available or not. It was fun – as always – to do tiresome walking with them.

Before we headed to the Balwarte (I remembered Kuya Mitey calling the God damn place that once), we sent Charmaine to say some shit talk to Garry’s parents. You see, the last time we were in his place, his parents flared up. What happened was that we asked for him but the bitch was not at home at the moment. We presumed that his dad had already dismissed us but when we were walking a considerable distance from the gate, his younger sister told us that her dad and aunt were infuriated when we turned our backs on them. Mga bastos daw kami. Really, I had no idea they weren’t finished talking to us. His aunt even went inside the God damn house!

I really hate being called bastos. I don’t know – when someone calls me bastos but I don’t totally deserve it, I answer back. I can’t stand the word – especially when someone means it.

So enough about that. Since it was only Charmaine who wasn’t with us during that time, we sent her to ask for Garry.

The bitch was successful – she’s really good when it comes to asking permission and the sort. If you must know, she said that she met Garry through YM and he gave her his address. Garry’s God damn auntie asked her beforehand if she was with the “rude crowd”.

Whatever. They’re making a big deal out of it. I don’t really give a damn.

So after stuffing ourselves at SM Manila, we headed straight to Intramuros. The God damn heat. It was murder – we walked for what seemed like miles under the burning heat. I guess I even got scalded. Darn. I had to walk with my face up to stop my nose from bleeding.

We killed time under the shade on top of the fortress. It was good there were such things as “huge gusts of wind” in the God damn spot otherwise I would have died.

On the way home, the idiot of a guy Garry is – he lost his God damn wallet. The bitch was really penniless. I wasn’t much of a help – I’ve got limited dough these days. The rest have the exact dough left to go home. The idiot was panicking and I tried with all the minimal etiquette that I have not to laugh.

That’s when Lev started to make a way out of the situation.

“Hintayin niyo ko dito. Kahit saang malapit basta text niyo ko. I’ll be back in a couple of hours.”
“Teka. Saan ka pupunta?”

The Lupin wannabe winked.

“Raracket ako.”
“Ha? Anong racket? Saan?”
“Basta. Sige. Walang sasama sa akin. Kung gusto niyong matapos na ‘to, wag na kayong magtanong. Mamaya ko na lang sasabihin.”

Yeah, I remembered that the only thing I said that time was,

“Good citizen ako. ‘Yokong madamay.”

The God damn chicken.

The what seemed like years of agonizing wait finally ended. Lev came back – only this time he didn’t look at poised, as clean and as “fresh” as always. He was sweating and panting.

Again, I remembered the only thing I said – it wasn’t even sensible.

“Anong ginawa mo ha? You did something immoral!”

Well, turned out that Lev crushed ice for some shake vendors.

He was able to give about eighty pesos to Garry – more than enough for the bitch to go home.

On the ride home, Lev turned to Fauchelevent and asked,

“Proud ka ba sa ‘kin?”

As expected of the lame moron, Fauchelevent answered,

“Ha? Anu ba ginawa mo?”

Well, Lev, I am proud.

Jars of Clay

2007-04-15T15:52:00.000-07:00

(Really, I think it’ more proper to spell "goddamn" as "God damn".)

I think I’m having problems with my sleeping habits again. I slept as about two in the morning and woke up at five without feeling an inch of drowsiness. I don’t know what to do since I can’t sleep – so I tinkered my phone for a while then put on my earphones. I was savoring the benefits of technology when euphoria came to a halt only to leave a battery with a red x mark on it on n the screen. I plugged the charger but the God damn thing was broken so I turned on the computer and charged the battery through the USB. The drive to post an entry fueled my spirits again – so here goes.

A couple of days ago (three days ago since it’s already 16 by the time I’m going to post this), I had fun with my former classmates. In fact, I am certain that I’m closer to them know than when I was in elementary. Au called me to accompany her to make house visits again just to inform them of the new date of the reunion. However, she also told me to ask permission from her parents for her to leave the house. As expected, I didn’t have sufficient powers to do such so I called Mina (another one of my classmates) to do the job.

But at the last minute, Mina deserted me. Well, so much for promises again.

I have no confidence on my convincing skills so I called other people to join me. Tin wasn’t available – she had a rendezvous with her God damn boyfriend. Cherry failed me too – she’s going somewhere. The God damn people. Friday the 13th and they’re going somewhere.

Good thing Cherry gave me Menggay’s phone number.

I called Menggay. That was the first time I was able to talk to the bitch ever since last year (exactly last year and eight days). I was exultant when I finally heard her voice but the need to have someone with me and the time (it was approaching 3 that time – and Au had to be home before dark) omitted the usual shit of breaking from a year-long hiatus of communication. It was, nevertheless, difficult to convince the bitch to accompany me. It took me one hour but in the end, I was triumphant. She told me she’ll drop by my God damn house.

Menggay sure lost a lot of weight. Last time I saw her, her arms reminded me of the People’s Champ (oh I’m sorry, that was Laarni pala). Now, the bitch is hot.

At Au’s, it was another hour of hell. I thought Menggay had the guts to do stuff Au asked me to do. I vividly remember her to be one of such people.

Well, whatever you do Gidget, do not expect.

With all the strength, agility and charisma I mustered, I did the job myself. When I finished speaking to her mom, I was jubilant. Hell’s over.

So the three of us left Au’s vicinity by 4. Apparently, the two had the same thoughts in mind when they made their ay towards Garry’s house by unspoken agreement. The bitches.

We also saw Lev on the way. He was just going home from playing basketball. He told us to wait for him since he’ll join us. It was three hours of agony. Lev’s as vain as hell.

Well, the God damn three hours is an exaggeration.

The rest was fun.

I’m not sarcastic – as I always am for about 80% of the time I’m praising something (oh, exaggerating bitch).

The day after, Allister was in my house (in Pandacan). The monster asked me to come with him to SM Southmall. Actually, he’s going to watch Spongecola with several people but the bitch was paranoid he’ll be out of place (or is it because of fill in the blanks?haha.). However, I was slothful enough to frustrate him. Besides, I was still in a skirmish with mama so my wallet is currently on a diet.

It was very rare for me to leave the house for the “exciting outdoors”(right) since I’m always in hiding whenever there’s no school and I have no lakad or whatever. But the God damn monster forced me to be some crackpot tour guide.

As he had witnessed, I couldn’t be a good tour guide. I was always running from something in almost every corner we pass by. I’m actually Flash – I’m really good in running away from “adversaries” and dodging glances. Lucky I left my phone at home or else the God damn thing will make exasperating noise.

Well, my head’s hurting now – so ends my entry.

I suck.

I’m just a little unwell (so now you have an idea what’s playing as I type this God damn entry).

God damn.

Confused

2007-04-12T10:29:00.000-07:00

When my connection finally understood my appetite only innernet can satisfy, my YM window automatically opened and unfolded in full glory in front of me. It was about eleven (my heart is full of endless gratitude to my connection) when I logged in.

Oh…the same people…

I just scanned my list, hurrying to see the bottom…

But then, for the first time in centuries I guess, something caught my eye in the beginning of the list.

I don’t know why – I don’t have even the least idea why – why my heartbeat went nonstop that time.

Kinakabahan ako.

When I saw the name in my list – the name beside a smiley icon – my heartbeat ran amok.

It was so creepy…I felt so confused and nervous all of a sudden…

I felt sweat dripping down my forehead…

It was almost a year since we last had communication…perhaps more than a year…

And so we talked…the usual kamustahan…

But still…it was eerie…my fingers were shaking as I type words back to him.

I felt confused. Why did I feel so anxious? It’s as if I was so scared yet at the same time I felt… rapturous.

A blast from the past, Allister said.

Confusion overwhelmed me above everything. I mean…I am most certain of what I feel for Yamada but – why did I feel so jumpy and afraid and ecstatic all at the same time?

Maybe the fact that it’s so disturbing…so disturbing because it’s like something dead long ago came back to haunt me.

“Kaya ka siguro kinakabahan dahil natatakot ka na baka something might return at
maconfuse ka between sa kanila ni Yamada.”

Thank you so much, Monster.

Okay…maybe it’s just because it’s only now that we are able to talk again. Maybe it’s just because of a year-long hiatus of communication.

Or maybe it’s just because of how things are turning out between Yamada and me. Maybe because Yamada is just – I don’t know…

I was expecting this to happen - the confusion I'm feeling and everything of that shit - with Jixer. But when Jix and I finally sorted things out - it was absolute. He was not forgotten - but the feelings I kept before are now long gone.

Nagulat talaga siguro ako. Biglaan.

He told me he just downloaded YM in his own PC again so most likely we'd be able to talk more frequently.

I don’t even know if it’s right to post this entry.

God…I’m so confused.

And why did God allow them to have the same name?

I'm so emotional.Nakakadiri na talaga.

2007-04-09T09:22:00.000-07:00

Kimimaru: aw
Kimimaru: hmm, gidget, tingin ko, iwasan mo rin muna xa
Fauchelevent: hmmm...bakit naman?
Kimimaru: napapagod k n?
Fauchelevent: er...matagal na...
Kimimaru: u nga e
Fauchelevent: ewan ko ba
Fauchelevent: kahit anong pagod di ko pa rin magawang tumigil talaga
Kimimaru: hmm, tingin ko tlga, i-execute mo na ung binalak mo nung isang araw
Fauchelevent: haaay...
Fauchelevent: naiiyak ako...
Kimimaru: kelangan tlga......
Kimimaru: gidget, wag k n umiyak, pagod k na

Pagod ka na.

I've been awfully tired for ages now...but still I keep holding on.

Should I let go?

It's excruciating - I can't - it hurts like hell.

But everything's a blur now.

I can't - it's torture to try throwing it all away.

He's everywhere - there's no second you slipped out of my mind.

"We both changed. I'm becoming very hard on you now."

Ayoko pa.

I can't.

Kimimaru shared this to me:

No one falls in love by choice, it is by CHANCE. No one stays in love by chance,
it is by WORK.And no one falls out of love by chance, it is by CHOICE.
And no
one falls out of love by chance, it is by CHOICE.

Really?

If it is really by choice then...

why am I still stuck?

I can't. Please. Ayoko pa.

I remembered...that was January 4, 2006. Fauchelevent was in tears and Jixer was staring at the ground. Fauchelevent pleaded - not an ounce of pride and dignity left - she pleaded.

"Stop. Please. Don't do this. Maawa ka sa akin."

I could see this - will it happen again?

Kimimaru: gidget, di k nmn mag-fofall out of love, magpapahinga k lng...

Is that even possible?

At this time that I miss you so much?

Martyrdom

2007-04-09T03:50:00.000-07:00

I don’t know how to start this entry. The day’s been pretty much eventful – yet at this very moment I feel frustrated again. It desecrated the morale I have for myself. I want to cry but for some reason I can’t… maybe my tears just got tired because they fall for the same reason over and over again. I really can’t think of a better way to say that – I know it sounds sickening.

I guess, with the capacity I still have to tell properly how the day unfolded…

~~~~~

That was how I was supposed to start my entry but then the forces in the universe conspired again to arrest progress in the post – so the flow of my ideas has already changed dramatically by this time. The misery subsided and my emotional status was back to- er- placid.

By the way, I was not able to update for the past few days because I was on the road most of the time. I felt like exercising my newfound privileges as an incoming college freshman – and my idea of putting that into effect is riding the van and having on-the-spot excursions.

So what happened these past few days?

Last Saturday, I was walking to Ministop when I bumped into a familiar face.

Oh, Auria.

(Note: The following conversations are as best as I can remember.)

Au: Pau! Kamusta ka na? Ngayon lang tayo ulit nagkita…
I: Er…hi Au.
Au: Saan ka galing?

(After about 30 minutes of the usual shit)

Au: Namimiss ko classmates natin!
I: Er…
Au: Mag-reunion tayo! Gusto ko mag-reunion!
I: Okay…okay lang…
Au: Bago tayo mag-college!
I: Er – wala akong communication sa iba –
Au: So what? Eh di magbahay-bahay tayo!
I: Alam mo kung saan bahay nila?
Au: Siyempre! Ako pa.
I: Er…lilibre mo ko pamasahe?
Au: Ano ka? Yaman-yaman mo eh –
I: Ayan ka na naman eh.

I thought for a moment…I’ve got nothing to lose anyway…and I have nothing to do at home…so okay…for a change…

I: So…sinong una?
Au: Hmm…sino bang pinakamalapit dito?(*malicious grin*)Ah…si Garry.
I: Okay. Alam mo bahay ‘nun?
Au:(eyes narrowed and malicious grin) Uuuy…
I: (Naturally, what she’s implying had no effect whatsoever) Waw. Kinikilig ako.

Well, so I followed Au to that unchartered part of the world. She’s so damn accurate we ended up asking people for directions.

Anyway, there was a bit of amusement when we reached the house.

Au: Er…magandang umaga po…si Garry po?
Adult: Ako na ito.
Au: Er…si Garry po?
Adult: Ano ‘yun?
Au:…si Garry?
Adult: Ako na nga ito. Anong kailangan mo?
Au: Si Garry nga po.

I could see my friend’s blood pressure rising when I remembered something.

I: Er – si Garry po – ‘yung anak niyo po.
Au:(look-of-someone-who-finally-realized-he-had-been-a-nincompoop) Oo nga pala! Junior nga pala siya!

Turned out that Garry was outside. Luckily we saw him just after we went out of their vicinity.

As I expected, Au acted like some match-maker again but I frustrated her.

She would not give up, however, she allowed Garry to come with us without asking for second opinion.

As if she could expect something cheesy.

~~~

I remembered a couple of conversations I had that day. The first one’s funny – well – it’s funny for me.

Garry: Kinakabahan ako.
I: Er…bakit?
Garry: Kasi kasama kita.
I: Ganun?
Garry: Nanginginig kaya ako…
I: Gusto mo ng ice cream?

The second’s – er- well…it’s funny as well.

Au: Ikaw talaga lagi mong ginaganun si Garry.
I: Hoy wala akong ginagawang masama ha!
Au: Bakit ba binabasted mo ‘yun? Gwapo naman siya…blah blah blah…
I:…
Au: Blah, blah, blah…
I: Hmmm…siguro dahil gwapo siya at blah blah blah blah…
Au: (quizzical look) Di ko rin magets takbo ng isip mo.
I: Sana nga gets ko rin.

Then I remembered the real reason why I keep on giving Garry a hard time.

Maybe it’s karma.

~~~

The rest of the – er- project went smoothly. It was fun since some of my former classmates joined me and Au in our martyrdom-for-the-reunion – oh I’m sorry – it’s Au’s lang pala.

I was dumbfounded – well – to be honest – more like disappointed when I found out one of my classmates got herself...er..pregnant.

But I’m just glad she’s still the same old nice person that she was.

I did not expect her to be that way…but there’s nothing we can do now…except help.

Whatever.

~~~

It’s been a year since I last saw Lev. The last time I saw was in our reunion. That time, well…he was pushing for his chances for – er – you get the drift.

Again I remembered the reason why I turned him down.

It’s been well over a year na pala…I’ve been keeping my feelings longer than I thought…

Back to Lev.

I’m glad that he changed somewhat. Well, he’s taller…the hair changed – for the better. Longer – but better. He told he had better affiliations and priorities. That’s good.

Lev and I had been good friends for quite some time.

But we lost touch after some incident – that’s another long story.

~~~

He’s ignoring me again.

This time, I really have no idea why he’s being snobbish.

Come on, you’re wasting your resources on this cold war you’re waging.

You’re doing this…in SUMMER?!!

God damn – you’re waging a cold war at a time like this? sa time na hindi pa kita nakikita?

Sigh.

"I wanna push you away...well I will...then I will..."

Whatever

2007-04-05T09:02:00.000-07:00

I have just finished watching All My Life .

When I watch something, I pay extreme attention on the dialogue. You see, I always find enlightenment in such – dialogue, quotes, lyrics, etcetera. In the numerous times misery consumed me, I read a book/fanfic, listened to songs and watched movies. There is always something that a character says that manages to instill some beautiful notion in me.

At the same time, movies give me a lot of what-ifs and add a great deal of paranoia.

In the movie, Kristine Hermosa (Louie) was having a heart-to-heart talk with her dad (Ricky Davao).

Louie: Ewan ko Dad…si Joey (Bernard Planca) kasama ko na mga bata pa lang kami…pero hanggang ngayon hindi ko pa rin siya talaga kilala…pero si Sam…isang linggo ko lang nakasama…pero parang kilala ko na siya buong buhay ko…

Now the what if.

What if a Sam arrives in his life (okay fine…Samantha) perhaps in college? What if a Sam arrives in mine too?

I do not know. I can’t even imagine what it will be like if I’m no longer in love (I hate using the term) with him. Is that even possible?

What really do I fear?

In fact, I am most certain that it is this fear that is most responsible for my firm decision against leaving for CA.

I fear that one day, after suffering the agony of the wait – saving all my love for him (again, I sound disgusting) – I will come back only to find out that he

a.) is already engaged
b.) is already committed
c.) is deeply in-love with someone
d.) ibang gender na (what the hell? Mayayari na naman ako nito eh…)

I fear the moment when I find myself crying in front of him because he just said the words killing the chance for my feelings to push through.

~~~~~~

I really need help now. The addiction is overwhelming. For several nights now I sleep while hugging my pillow tight…er…I’m imagining my pillow to be…uhm…something (someone?) else. Whatever.

Bernard Palanca's name in the movie - hmmm...whatever.

Strawberry Shortcake

2007-04-04T04:20:00.000-07:00

Needless to say, quite a lot of things had transpired.

There was a even a time when I was on the verge of ditching this blog because of a serious…er…whatever. But then, my connection wouldn’t budge that time so my impulsiveness lost by default.

I’ve been contemplating on whether I will keep this blog or get a new one for my own viewing pleasure only – but still I haven’t decided on anything.

Graduation, Overnight Stay, Graduation Ball – all finished. I’m loving summer already. I’ve been waiting for hot, lazy summer afternoons for ages.

I didn’t cry in Graduation and even in Graduation Ball. I’m not wondering why – I know exactly what the reason is. I guess I just hate my politically-damned school so much it overpowered other emotions. I guess my senior life wasn’t really that happy – I was itching to leave it behind.

Besides, I chose to believe that I’m not really parting ways with my friends. I will never let that happen. By all means, I will reach out to them.

But the overnight stay…it’s a different matter.

The night had been frustrating. Nevertheless, the company of my friends cheered me up a good deal – but not that enough, I'm sorry. On top of it all, I get somewhat interrupted by my phone every now and then. I was surprised they noticed the lie-low on my spirits - I so love you, guys.

The Graduation Ball…hmmm…it somehow made up for the last days prior to the event. I was happy that night – a lot of revelations from people – things people say when they know they have nothing more to lose or they won’t have a chance to say it again.

So isn’t it obvious I’m holding back myriad things to say?

Haha.

Financial crisis.

Things are getting better now, fortunately.

Doesn’t she understand that what she wants me to do will be unhealthy for me?

There are some things that I just need to go on everyday.

The distance will kill me.

No.

Letters

2007-03-25T03:48:00.000-07:00

Yes. To you - you know who you are:

Yes, I WAS enraged that day. I really was. It was a special appointment for Linnaeus. And I mean SPECIAL. Matinong usapan. It’s not everyday that we get together – all of us – the last time was when we ate together in Jollibee. ..and that was months ago. That was also a SPECIAL photo session. We had fun (as always) and we talked about…stuff too.

So why was I infuriated?

Because of all the people to be absent, it’s YOU.

And you saw us already.

But you didn’t join us.

What could be more important?

Okay, just for your sake, the clearance thing will be tolerable…but that wouldn’t last for HOURS, would it? You could just have appeared later and say “Sorry na-late ako..I did something blah blah blah…” pero ang masama roon, you didn’t.

And to think, you were present in similar appointments with your second year and fourth year sections.

But you did not even show up in Linnaeus.

So now you know why my nostrils are fuming.

Anyway, enough about that. I’m not mad anymore. It just took me a night to cool my head off.

And yes, I am very sorry that I called you “gay”. I didn’t mean to – I’m just mad I could not control my mouth. I don’t really trust myself when I’m livid – I can’t help but hurt other people. Yes, my paranoia took over me. I’m sorry for that.

So…what were you saying? That I only did things for MY own satisfaction? That I never cared about you?

Maybe you’re talking about yourself.

Lahat ginawa ko para sa iyo.

Even when you do nothing in return.

Because I ask for nothing in return.

I don’t want to enumerate – baka sabihin mo na naman pinapamukha ko sa iyo.

I ask for nothing in return.

And it will remain as it is.

Maybe the wrong thing I did is that I told my FRIENDS my not-so-sad story. I was not even serious when I told them about that because it was meant to be a JOKE.

JOKE.

And besides…even if it’s not a joke, I will still tell my friends. Because they are my FRIENDS. And friends tell each other what’s bothering them. Because they TRUST each other.

Maybe you got angry with that because you don’t trust your friends.

By the way, enough about this. I’m sorry with what I have said. I’m losing my head because you keep on ignoring me. Look, I’m really sorry that I hurt you with the homosexuality thing but please understand, I was just mad and yes, I admit, I was just jealous.

Please stop ignoring me. I was trying to reach out to you.

I love you very much…and you know what? I know it’s stupid but I call you every once in a while…but I know you’re keeping the lines busy.

To the other person:

I appreciate you talking about this. I did realize some things and I thank you for that.

However…

I believe you’ve pretty much judgmental about me.

Therefore, allow me to straighten out a few things…

He is not my boyfriend (Even though I wanted him to be…I wanted very much…but well…you know him.)
I’m not saying you’re gay. (Maybe you ASSUMED that I’m calling you gay because you ASSUMED that I’m thinking that you’re stealing him away from me but hell no, I am not. Believe me, when I talk about it with other people, I’m treating it as no more than a JOKE. For example,

Friend: Nasan jugjug mo?

I: Ha? Ayun, kasama si fafa (insert name here) niya.

*tawanan*

And for goodness sake, you, (insert your name here), a GAY?! I’ve been friends with a couple of girls you had been involved with…and I mean FRIENDS so I know there’s not even the least probability that you’ll be one.

And yeah…another thing…even if you’re really stealing him away…you can’t steal something that I don’t even have. Oh…rephrase…I can’t lose something I don’t even have, right?)

I am not slandering you. God, I don’t even give a damn about you. It’s just that, I love gossip. Ask him. Tsismosa talaga ako. That’s why I love blog-hopping. The internet expands my gossip network. I discover a lot of things through blogs and yes, YM statuses.
My friends are well out of this. In fact, we’re not even treating this as a serious matter. It’s just something that we can tease him with. It’s no big thing because it’s just a joke. You’re actually thinking that my friends will give a damn about this. They won’t gang up on you unlike a bunch of kids because they have enough sense not to. You’re undermining them. Yeah, I won’t even urge them to make away of you.
I am not a saint. You don’t have to tell me.
You’re so darn lucky because he lets you touch his..er…stomach….does he have abs? I’ve been attempting to do that for months now.
Attitude problem? Tell me about it.
I’m not “malibog”. “Manyakis” lang ako.

So that’s about it. I don’t want any of this now that we’re graduating on Wednesday…Good luck! And yeah, “she” will not give a damn too. We’re not that immature as you think.

Scribbles

2007-03-22T07:07:00.000-07:00

"Tigil-tigilan mo nang ginagawa mo sa akin kung ayaw mong mapikon...kasi
napipikon na ako...kapag di ka pa tumigil,gagantihan kita."

"I really hate you for making me jealous."

At least masaya kaming Linnae kanina. Kahit wala ka.

"Run just as fast as I can...to the middle of nowhere...to the middle of my
frustrated fears...and I swear...you're just like a pill...instead of makin' me
better...you keep makin' me ill..."

"You keep makin' me ill...."

Siguro nga nagseselos lang ako...

Bakla.

Alay-Lakad

2007-03-17T20:01:00.000-07:00

Now my feet hurt.

Yesterday, I walked for miles.

I was planning to get away from everything for a while. Just this weekend.

However, when I arrived at Masci, the place was deserted. I was just hoping I could ambush someone from Linnae and stay at his/her place for a couple of days.

I went to Mcdo. The place was jam-packed – but no Linnae.

I went to KFC and saw the choir people. I asked Ellen if she had seen Laarni. She shook her head. I asked Pia S. if she had seen John Paul and she said that the Moseley people might be practicing for the clearance crap in Filipino most probably in Paco Park.

So from KFC I walked under the burning heat to Paco Park where the snobbish lady gave me hell when she gave me my change from a hundred-peso bill.

I walked around the park and saw nothing – that is, nothing of great importance to me.

Now what?

I then walked briskly to Robinson’s. I saw Chad and he’s on his way to play Magic.

Now what?

I went to the Food Court and saw Kathleen Aquino with her mom. I sat and watched the Taktak thing in Eat Bulaga for a while. I thought I ought to drink something but I’m not really thirsty or starving.

I went to G-Box and checked all the karaoke rooms – just in case.

I sat on one of the benches and began contemplating about life. About people. About him. Everything.

I walked to the second floor and bought a chocolate Zagu shake. Ewan. Nakakainggit ‘yung mga umiinom eh.

I found myself a payphone and called him. Then Allister. Guess what? They’re both asleep. I wish I know Cielo’s or Laarni’s landline number…

Now what?

I need to kill time as much as I could…

I didn’t want to go home.

And there’s no luck finding a Linnae.

Now what?

Maybe I have no choice.

I went home.

As I expected, home’s hell.

YM…still hell.

Good thing we’ll go out later today (I, Laarni and Allister). I have several hours to get out from hell.

Now that’s one crappy post, isn’t it?

…You have changed. You’re not the one I fell in love with…

I cried so hard that my head began aching like hell.

2007-03-16T06:26:00.000-07:00

I cried so hard that my head began aching like hell.

I’m eating right now. Eating while blogging. Yeah. Perfect. And my hands are shaking as I grip my utensils.

At least it’s a bit better than a while before…

Batet?

I guess I just can’t hold the weight any longer. Now what? Break down.

I’m frustrated with how things are going.

These days I don’t want to go home.

I don’t know what to do with myself.

Everything is descending on me.

I'm trying to do my best to ease the situation but all I get is_________________________________.

I'm beginning to get tired again.

Dang, now my eyes hurt…bloodshot – it’s disturbing. I need to wash my face, excuse me please.

Jessie Ann

2007-03-14T22:29:00.000-07:00

JESSIE ANN

Hey pretty little lady
You’re so dear to me
I’ll do anything
Resist sleep until morning
Sending songs you want to hear
A cup of coffee near
to make sure I won’t sleep.
A promise to keep…
Edit your pictures, fix your blog
Hoping you’d spare a hug
Pretty little lady
I’ll do anything for thee
Because you see
Your big brother I love perfectly.

....

......

.........

Jessie Ann actually isn't little. She's even taller than me.

Prescripto

2007-03-14T06:13:00.000-07:00

Isn’t it apparent that my last two entries were nonsense?

I believe I don’t have the capacity to make up for a gibberish entry but at least let me try.

As usual, I was late for the graduation practice again so I was not able to sign for the morning attendance. I’ve been terribly lethargic these days. When I wake up every morning, there’s always this fracas in my mind whether I should go to school or not. At first, my biological impulse, that is, impulse to sleep , seems to gain a perceptible advantage but after an hour of just lying in my bed and letting this war to go on, I will eventually decide to go to school anyway.

We (Linnae) were supposed to eat together (as we always do) in Mcdo today.

But I missed it.

Do you care to know why?

Well, it’s his fault I didn’t get to eat with Linnae so he had no right to wish me death if I talk about this. I’ll break his nose if he does.

Juan Carlos is a pseudonym. Pramis.

You see, we were playing Simpson-Samson (I’m not sure if the spelling is correct, nevertheless, it’s still that game that expunged my dignity in front of a junior) when he said that he needed to go to Rob to activate his card. I don’t know what he’s talking about so I didn’t ask any further. I just told him to go back and I’ll wait for him.

Fast forward…

I sat below the tree and later on chatted with Ninyo who also seemed to be waiting for someone. Jek, Abbey and Jennifer were there as well. To amuse myself, I content myself with bantering everyone (which is mostly singing a song to Ninyo with revised lyrics) and joking about…stuff. After some time, Jek, Abbey and Jennifer left.

Fast forward…

I was still teasing Ninyo when Llamas and Margaux came. They seemed to be waiting for someone too, or at least Margaux was. I guess Llamas was only taking her to the jeep stop. Nonetheless, it was fun mocking Llamas and making tall tales (I got that from Laarni) about Llamas getting himself in a fight with this and that. I even got to know some controversial stuff about Ninyo; thereby refilling my Asar ammunition.

Fast forward…

45 minutes… still no sign of him.

Fast forward…

“You’re waiting for…?”, Llamas asked.

“Yamada?”, Margaux smirked.

I smiled.

“Alam na.”

“Ah, oo nga pala! Nasa Rob siya. Nakita namin siya.”

“Yeah, he’s with-uhm… Juan Carlos.”

“Er – sino?”

“Juan Carlos.”

Silence.

“Hahaha! Pinagpalit ka na sa lalaki!”

Silence.

“Anong ayos nila?”

“Gidget?!”

(Ninyo and Llamas began guffawing hard.)

“Uhm…they’re like this oh (Llamas wrapped his arms at Margaux’s waist for a couple of seconds)…”

“WHAT?!”

“Oo, kaya pumunta ka na sa Rob. Ay hindi, sa motel ka na pala pumunta –“

“SHUT UP Ninyo!”

Fast Forward…

“Ayan na si Yamada!”

I stared at where Margaux was pointing.

And he’s smiling mockingly at me.

Juan Carlos was beside him.

And Juan Carlos was wearing a sleeveless shirt.

A sleeveless shirt.

Sleeveless.

Hahahaha!

Fast Forward…

“At dahil sa’yo, iniwan na ako ng Linnae! Ang tagal-tagal mo kasi!”

“Ganun na ba talaga ako katagal?”

“Oo! Palibhasa kasi, hindi mo napapansin ang oras ‘pag kasama mo si Juan Carlos. Wish mo sana tumigil na ang oras!”

“Nyeee….sino ba naman kasi ang nagsabi sa ‘yo na hintayin mo pa ako?”

Come to think of it, who told me to wait for him? That time, I could hear my stomach rumbling. I was supposed to sell my phone for a few thousand bucks…but I didn’t get to because – because – well…I waited for him.

“Papaactivate lang ng card more than 1 hour pa!”

“Eh hindi lang kasi pagpapaactivate ng card ang ginawa ko eh-“

“So ibig sabihin may iba ka pang ginawa?! Nag quality time kayo ni Juan Carlos!”

“Nyeee! Haha!”

“Oh kitams! Bakit ka kinikilig? Nagbublush ka pa nga oh!”

“Hahaha!”

~~~

I smelled my palm just now.

As I expected, I could still smell his perfume in my hand.

I’m planning to be absent tomorrow.

Manyak

2007-03-13T05:22:00.000-07:00

I was chatting with Je-Ann.

All of a sudden, I asked,

"What is he wearing?sando?"

Kuya Dan was watching the conversation.

She answered,

"Ahihihi...secret."

"Naka-sando nga.",Kuya Dan said.

I smiled.

*malakas na batok*

"Aray!!!para saan 'yon?!!",I said.

"Umiral na naman ang kamanyakan mo."

Hehe.

I smiled sheepishly.

2007-03-12T04:46:00.000-07:00

Ayoko sa lahat 'yung mga wala namang alam tapos nakikialam sa buhay ko. Imbes na makatulong eh mas lalo pang nakakasira. Kalkulado na ang mga gagawin ko tapos bigla na lang eepal at sisirain lahat ng plano ko. Nakakainis. Nakakagigil. Nakakagalit. Wala naman kasing alam tapos masyadong nakikialam. Ang nangyari, nagkanda-leche-leche na ang lahat.

Ang problema, kahit kailan ay hindi ko sasabihin sa lahat ng nilagay ko rito dahil siguradong mas lalong magkakanda-leche-leche. Maayos na eh. Masosolusyonan ko na ang mga problema kaso biglang eepal kala mo kung sinong magaling at sisirain ang lahat. Nakakagigil talaga. Natotodo-highblood na ako.

Ayoko nang ganito ako. Wala akong tiwala sa sarili ko kapag nagagalit ako. Ayokong nagkakamali sa kung saan ko ibabaling ang galit ko. Alam kong wala akong pakundangan kapag naisip ko nang ibuhos ang galit ko sa isang tao/bagay kaya ayokong kinakausap ako ng mga tao kapag ganito ang sitwasyon.

Naiiyak ako sa galit.

Mas lalong lumala ang problema dahil sa panghihimasok nila.

A Lame Excuse For An Entry

2007-03-09T20:09:00.000-08:00

Perhaps nothing can rival the stress – combined emotional and physical…but more on physical, I guess – of the last five days. It was murder. It was a deliberate violation of our human rights.

But its legal.

And the teachers are using the legality of the matter to torment us.

Last Wednesday I was on the verge of writing my last will and testament.

But then, there’s no time to write a codicil…and I don’t have the testamentary capacity (darn that The Testament. It’s getting on my system.).

Masci doesn’t let go of her constituents that easily – and I mean NOT that easily…

And damn this entire crap because I could not write a decent paragraph.

Physical complications

My head is about to split into two. My eyes hurt. I think I’m going blind. The muscles in my back, arms and thighs are stiff. My throat is as itchy as hell. Damn, Allister, you passed on your stupid cough to me!

This morning, I woke up with puffy eyelids.

Puffy because I slept for12 hours straight.

Take that, Vangie.

I really messed up during our Practical Periodic Test in PE. All the forces in the universe conspired to bring me humiliation. The Shame-o-meter got mad and it did several 360s.First of all, I’m stupid enough to forget the ballroom dress Heidie lent me. And to think, I was thinking of the incoming shame on my way to school – only to remember that I left it at home when I was only several yards away from the school gate. As customary I swore so loud that passers-by stared at me and that added insult to the injury. Good thing Pepe let me borrow her blue dress.

Dang, that will be the last time I’ll dance in public.

It’s a traumatic experience.

I’ll add SJ to my list of egg-hitting target practice in graduation.

The workload (again)

Vangie lost my artifacts and still had the nerve of dumping a ton of work crap as clearance. She’s asking for a reaction paper, a book report and a mimery/novelty songs presentation.

Yeah, I have to do my part in the yearbook and the stupid last issue of The Nucleus.

By the way, the UBOD staff is in-charge this time but I still have to write on Via-Satellite. Not Nucleus of The Matter.

Trivia: It was Azalea’s column.

Miscellaneous

I’ve got a knack of saying corny jokes to everyone who unlucky enough to come across me. Thanks to Laarni.

I really can’t say anything sensible. I removed several of my most recent entries because someone said I’m invading his/her privacy. I’m not going to chronicle about that “cold war” that just concluded or else I might get another death wish again.

I’m watching Wowowee. How cool can I get?

I still can’t make up my mind on what course I’ll be shifting to in my second semester. I was thinking of Economics. Any sort of engineering will do too but Civil Engineering has an attraction of its own. Don’t ask me why.

Why does this Coca-Cola taste like beer?

23

2007-02-27T06:58:00.000-08:00

At this very instant, I am in my most festive spirits. I never thought being able to type again with a REAL keyboard – hardware, you know - and NOT (take note, NOT) with the God damn onscreen keyboard could be this… elating…euphoric…ecstatic. I will never let anyone touch this keyboard again with Pearl shake in his hand (I still remember that very day…my beloved keyboard passed away when a wretched ignoramus of a soul accidentally poured Pearl shake all over it. I tried to prolong its existence and somehow save it from Death’s clutches but all in vain.).

Yehey!

Super yehey! Now I can finally finish what I was obliged to do – yes, it’s really easy to guess whatever it was if you know me- the formal theme papers. Subsequently, I also need to make Laarni one aside from Allister’s.

I have just finished taking up my Pre-Finals. No classes tomorrow so I don’t have any excuse to skip posting. It seems to me that my writing style has become somewhat “dragging” and I believe it’s evident that I have lost my touch. I wish I could get it back while typing this. Well, good luck.

This day

After our Pre-Finals, we (Linnaeus) got our butts in Robinson’s to stuff ourselves full. It’s a good thing that those usually absent in our usual get-together thing managed to squeeze this one in their schedules. I don’t know about Laarni though…weeeh…Einstein na naman…haha.

So then we’re about to watch The Number 23. Too bad there were still those who couldn’t watch the film. Yeah, the movie was great…but it could have been greater had I came a bit earlier – not halfway in the film.

Why?

You see…

I took someone to where he could get a ride home. I was just hoping he’d somehow change his mind in going – it’s a pity to miss this. Not that time where a lot of Linnae people were around. I just asked him if he could just stay with Iric, Daine – those who will not be watching a movie – and wait for us since we’re going to G-Box afterwards anyway.

I asked him …

Well, it’s more like I pleaded…

“My head hurts. I didn’t get enough sleep these last two days. I want to go home. ”
“Is there any way that I can convince you to stay?”
“No.” (in a firm tone)
“Ngayon nga lang ‘to eh…sama ka na. Minsan lang ‘tong marami tayo. Sumama ka na lang muna kila Iric. MagGG-Box naman kami pagkatapos eh.”
“Eh. Nahihilo na nga talaga ako.”
“(sigh) Hindi mo ba kaya munang…er- tiisin yan?”
“Hinde.”
“Hindi ka na ba talaga mapapakiusapan?”
“Hinde.”

So all the forces in the universe conspired to make my blood pressure rise so I just kept quiet and gritted my teeth together.

I saw a bus from a distance.

“May bus na. Next time na lang talaga.”
“Umalis ka na.”, was all I said.

I just left without doing my routine before we part and finally go home. I was just so aggravated with his USUAL insensible, selfish and exasperating behavior. I should be getting used to this…

I even did another stupid thing on the way back to Rob. Someone happened to brush past me and my blood levels are already at their summit so I hit him/her back with my shoulder with FORCE. FORCE as in FORCE in big bold letters. Fortunately, whoever it was, didn’t mind me at all. I didn’t even get as much as a swear word.

When I got home, I finally got to ponder about it.

I guess it’s not right for me to get exasperated at him because he chose to go home despite all my pleadings. I think I should not be getting agitated that he chose to set aside this “get-together” this time because his head hurts and he wants some sleep. I should understand to this extent. It will be very selfish of me to get angry. Understand…patience…patience…you’ve been doing this very well for quite a long time now. Reduce demands. Cut expectations. Economize.

I guess I'm just making a big deal out of everything.

Or maybe, he went home because of what he just saw.

There you go again. Your Paranoia crap...

‘Yan masaya ka na. Nakatulog ka na. Hindi ka na nahihilo.

Sana alam mo na ako rin walang tulog hanggang ngayon.

Ayan na naman…you’re being demanding again.

“When will you ever learn?”

I really love thee

2007-02-24T01:26:00.000-08:00

“It’s difficult to hold back anger...but overcoming suspicion...that takes a lot more work.” – Orube, W.I.T.C.H.

I woke up with a bit of the negativity gone. Yeah, I’m supposed to watch some stuck-up play (wait, that’s unfair of me – I haven’t even watched the darn thing) later and allow me to make a good prediction: someone will be late.

As I have said, many of the things that plague me arise from pondering about stuff I should not think about...not healthy to think about...making some assumptions...getting paranoid...and that’s a habit I must cut off. However, annihilate this fungus talking, she can’t help it.

I’m eating quite more than usual again. While I’m eating so much at this moment, a while later, I will not be eating anything. It’s not because I’m really stuffed - I just – well – I don’t feel like eating. There’s even a point that I haven’t eaten for a whole day but still I will not take a bite out a sandwich in front of me. I’m not suppressing my hunger- I just don’t have the appetite, that’s all.

These ill emotions need to die.

-.-

2007-02-23T08:26:00.000-08:00

**** *** naman talaga.

Negativity

2007-02-23T08:05:00.000-08:00

God damn - what is happening to me?

Why is this like...so?

Darn - Damn - (swear word).

Whatever you do don't assume.

I hate this negativity.

I'm screwing a vow to avoid negativity again.

I need someone to talk some sense into me. Now.

Get this negativity out of me. Unreasonable - paranoia.

----

..........

I guess I just have to watch TV.DVD.Something.

Paranoia

2007-02-23T06:47:00.000-08:00

Thoughts are running wild inside my head again.

You're doing this to me.

Insecure...paranoid that is I.

I hate you for doing this to me again.

I hate you.

Famous Last Words

2007-02-23T04:47:00.000-08:00

Another week of anxiety, coffee and dreamland-drift due to sleep-deprivation.

I don’t really know what to write about now. It’s just that...I want to post something in this blog because I feel like doing so. Maybe...I should just...uhmmm...talk about things until some weird idea generates spontaneously inside my head.

Yeah, Marah and I will write a book about our most memorable teachers. If you know me, never expect it to be some sort of phony tribute book. We’re aiming to finish it before the schoolyear ends. Well, goodluck!

The Conversations
~
John Paul: Michaelle, ‘di ba nadislocate ‘yung knee cap mo?
Michaelle(laughs then makes an irritable face):Ay hinde John Paul...ay hinde.
John Paul:Hmmm...saan napunta knee cap mo?
Michaelle and I: (Guffaws like mad)
John Paul: Eh ‘di ba nadislocate? Saan napunta?
Michaelle and I: (Chortles harder)
John Paul: Ehhh...saan nga?
Michaelle: Dito John Paul (points to her toes)...
John Paul: (Touches her toes) Talaga? Dito?
~
Zeny: Oh sige...bonding.(pants)tapos...klase tayo. (breathless)
Chaba: Ma’am, gwapo po ba si Mr. Diaz?
Zeny: (Wheezing)Siyempre naman...(Wheezing)
~
2-methylbutane:Alam mo ‘yung kanta ng Parokya...’yung ano...kanta ko ‘yun sa ‘yo eh...
Trinitrobenzene:Ano?
2-methylbutane: (sings)Huwag mo na sana akong pahirapan pa... kung ayaw mo sa ‘kin ay sabihin mo na...wag mo na sana akong ipaasa sa wala...oo na...mahal na kung mahal kita...
Trinitrobenzene:Ganoon? Maganda rin ‘yung kanta ng Eraserheads..’yung ano...
2-methylbutane: Ano?
Trinitrobenzene:Yung ano...
2-methylbutane:Ano nga?!
Trinitrobenzene:(sings) Huwag mo nang itanong sa akin...’di ko rin naman sasabihin...
2-methylbutane:(raises eyebrow) Ngeeek...
~
Ghad...up to now I still can’t write about something...some established topic. Yeah, next week would be an “all-test” week and they’re telling us that we should be studying and stuff but well...so much as I love to...I just can’t – I’m programmed to be perfectly slothful. I’ve been aspiring to improve somehow...and wow...pretty “progressive”.

The workload

Like before, I’ll be facing another metropolis of work in the next few weeks. Projects, notebooks, experiment papers, portfolio...and they’re all running after me...they’re going to eat me alive. Devour my insides. Skin me with a razorblade and yes – all I’ll be doing is sleep in my comfy bed while watching Ghost Whisperer in DVD.

I have to furnish Japinoy a new volume of manga. I haven’t even started a single cell! Grabe. I really am going to hell. I’m already in hell. And I sound corny. The adrenaline was lost again. The rhythm of my writing is fading...aaargh!

As of this instant

He did not reply.

Well, maybe he really wants to be with his section in “Oh Moises”.

Well then...I am allowing you to define that space.

I’ve started being demanding – and that is bad.

...A love that’s so demanding...I get weak...

~Adieu~

Ultimus Fauchelevent

If symptoms persist,consult your doctor.

2007-02-20T07:31:00.000-08:00

Perhaps I should go back to my old writing flair.

These past few months I’ve been fond of writing in tagalog because then I believe that it’s much easier to express myself in tagalog. However, I now realized that I actually missed writing in my all-english “emotional-to-some-extent-with-a-somewhat-indolent-tone” style. I’m actually…”retro-writing approach-sick”. Whatever.

Oh yeah, I enjoyed writing like so whenever I’m not in my usual…er…exultant mode.

Well…so what is my problem? If you come to think about it, my problems really come to my moments of deliberation on…uhm…things…you’re not very slow, are you? You can just guess what the italicization implies.

My emotions resemble this darn sine graph – there’s a positive amplitude and the negative amplitude. I just hate the fact that God made it that way.

And I still can’t sense my usual adrenaline in writing. I could not find my long-lost rhythm that is typically me. Where is that trademark? I hope it shows up later on.

What should I talk about?

First of all, I still have a mountain pile of workload that has been plaguing my conscience ever since I began typing this post. I could hear its murmurs…”Set your priorities, you bitch.”. Well, I am just so sorry to fail you again, as what is expected of me – I am just fulfilling the tradition that has been prevalent in me for ages, that is, “How do you spell ‘Priority’?”

I still need to finish a couple of practice lessons for Minelle and Clem – about a local scenery in an urban locality. I also need to write formal theme write-ups for Allister, Laarni and Nicole. And yes – I also have to make a comic strip for John Paul even though he didn’t ask me to do one.

Somnus’ sprites are starting to manifest themselves. I must get myself a cup of coffee as part of routine.

Tomorrow, Magandang Umaga Pilipinas will be visiting the crap of an educational institute. Majority of Roentgen people will be sleeping tonight in hell where the orcs they call “depheds” (oh, I don’t how you read it, as for me, I read it as…”defeds”) feed on the student population. Oh yeah, they’ll be poking their abnormally large noses in the show tomorrow, no doubt, and monopolize everything again…especially that orc which will certainly remind you of a bug lying on its back then struggles to pull her/him/itself out if ever you try to kick her/him/it in its bulging belly. Hey, if you’re thinking about “double meaning” here, I’m talking about orcs and I’m one big synecdochist.

Yesterday, he went home without even telling me.

He went home without even waiting for me.

I’m at this state of overwhelming addiction that withdrawal causes severe behavioral disturbances.

You are so selfish.

I am not depressed nor exhilarated that day when you finally-even though not entirely- opened up to me. At least it shed light to some things. However, forgive me if I still doubt the credibility of the data. More prerequisite experiments.

You feel that guilt?

I don’t need you returning anything. I just…I just…well, a bit of sensitivity, please. I am just fed up with complaining about this over and over again. There’s nothing new. How many times did I call you without you even turning around? Well, I’ve lost count.

…..

…….

………

I miss Daine.

Never give up on the things that make you smile

I told Gidget.

"There are still miles to go before I sleep."

Somnus is triumphant again.

~Adieu~

Ultimus Fauchelevent

~Hang-over~

2007-02-16T09:45:00.000-08:00

So...JS Promenade 2007.

One of the happiest days of my life.

Drama.

Kahit corny pa ang mga awarding, kahit ang ikli lang ng time para sa pagwawala, kahit nakakaloko dahil ang last song nila ay hindi mellow at hindi man lamang nila sinabing last song iyon, kahit hindi ako nakapagprepare nang maayos, kahit present ang mga department heads na walang ginawa kundi imonopolize ang lahat ng school activities (ganyan talaga...sila parating nasusunod ngayon pero idedeny nila), kahit mahangin, kahit cheapipay ang invitation, kahit mahalay ang banda, kahit mas preferable ang last year prom, mas masaya ako ngayon.

Ang saya saya saya naman.

~

"Would you dance if I asked you to dance?
Would you run and never look back?
Would you cry if you saw me crying?
And would you save my soul, tonight?..."

I felt electricity as you slip your hands behind my back. I had my hands on your shoulders and as the music played on I slid them down your back...

and held you tight.

Closer...

I could feel your warm breath on my shoulder...

Closer...

"Hold me in your arms, tonight..."

I leaned my head closer to your neck as we move without rhythm.

"...would you lie? would you run and hide?"

I felt you lock your fingers together behind me...it was a different kind of warmth when you tighten your arms around my waist...

"Oh, I just want to hold you.
I just want to hold you.
Am I in too deep?
Have I lost my mind?
I don't care...
You're here tonight."

I closed my eyes and sighed. I rested my head on your shoulder...

Closer...

I wrapped my arms around you...

Your thin and seemingly-frail body in my embrace...

I stopped the tears from coming out.

It was not because I am sad or I feel anything negative.

I just feel so good...so happy...that I want to cry.

"I can kiss away the pain.
I will stand by you forever.
You can take my breath away..."

The only thing I desired that moment is for time to somehow freeze...

For the moment to just last forever...

I could live forever with your hands behind my waist and my arms down your back...

"You can take my breath away..."

~

~Adieu~

Ultimus Fauchelevent

(Antok na ako eh.Kararating ko lang galing prom.Next time na lang ako magkwekwento.)

Update

2007-02-03T01:49:00.000-08:00

whoo.

matagal-tagal din pala akong nawala.

Katatapos lang ng periodic exams. Maayos naman, I should say.

Ingles - As usual, no erasures allowed. Master Cecille na Master Cecille. Mabuti na lang, medyo maayos ang aking iskor. Pamatay ang vocabulary. Medyo tsamba mode lang ako roon.

Pisika - Ayos din naman. May katangahan nga lang ako. May mga konseptong wala sa aking isipan. Lalo na sa ranking task.

Matematika - Heto medyo tagilid. Zenyng-Zeny.

Filipino - Ayos lang din. Kaya lang nakatulog ako habang kinukuha ang pagsusulit. Nakakaantok nga naman kasi.

Agham Pangkompyuter - Ayos lang. Natanga na naman ako. P**t@** i**ng scanf iyan. Bitchy Crabby strikes again!

Kemistring Adbans (pauso ni Baron) - Ayos din. Mabuti't hindi ako natanga. Mahirap nga...mabuti't may mga konsepto pang nanatili sa aking murang isipan.

Matematikang may hangganan (pauso na naman ni Vahroouhn) - Ayos lang...kaya lang kulang talaga sa oras. Sinabayan pa nito ang Kemistring Adbans na isa pang kulang sa oras. Kaya nagkakulangan sa oras. "Pagkat ang oras ay may sinusundang batas." "Ang pagmamahal ko ay walang sinusundang batas." Oh gumaganon eh...walang ganon. Basta manood kayo ng Sana Maulit Muli kung saan ang oras ay may sinusundang batas. Kaya naman kawawa ang Huma.

Humanities - kahabag-habag ang sinapit pagkat naging isang talkshit test na lamang. Kasalanan niya iyan. Sumabay pa kasi sa Matematikang may hangganan at Kemistring Adbans.

Araling Panlipunan - Hahaha!Hahahaha! Hahahahaha!

TLE - Sobrang hirap nito. Pinasagutan ba naman kami ng current events? no erasures?

No erasures your ass.

Jok lang noh. Maaga nga akong nakalabas eh. Kapalaran ng Journ.

*****

Matapos ang mga markahang pagsusulit ay nagdaos naman ng Intramurals kung saan ako ang MVP. Napahanga ko ang sarili ko. Sobrang athletic ko.

sa breathing marathon.

at spectatorship.

Maraming salamat nga pala sa Intrams at medyo nakabawi ako ng tulog. Dumarating ako nang 12 or 2. Tapos I'll amuse myself with the games. Grabe. Salamat nga pala Jeff. Magtatayo na ako ng fans club mo. Ang galing mo sa volleyball.

Ang husay din at nanalo ang mga seniors a cheer and dance competition.

At ang husay ng mga sophies sa volleyball.

Kasi iyong isa diyan ang may taglay ng jinx sa EiMo (boys). Actually, magaling siya. Magaling talaga.

sa ball watching.

Sino ba iyon? Nevermind. I don't want to mention bitches here.

Hahaha. Alam na.

*****

Narelease na rin pala ang newspaper...sayang nga lang at absent ako nung araw na iyon. Namiss ko ang action na ako ang nagcause. Ang saya nga nung pagkakakwento sa akin ni Pasia eh. Sayang talaga.

But they did get me the day after. They got me laughing. Nakakatawa naman talaga eh.

"Hindi mo ba alam na nakasira sa admin ang ginawa mo?..."

Mel: "Idol ka! ang galing mo!propagandist!"

*****

Anyway, sa quad na nga pala ang prom namin. Waw! How unforgettable that will be! Naeexcite ako! I can't wait!

I look forward to people dragging their dresses in the rough quadrangle ground! I want to see people dancing with sweat dripping down their foreheads because the place isn't air-conditioned! Waw! That's really good! Akalain mong nakatipid ang mga juniors sa prom? Astig! Good for them! At nakakathrill dahil mukhang ilalagay nila ang pagkain sa styro with food stubs pa! Food stubs! Grabe! Ang saya! Parang Scicamp lang!

(kindly note the sarcastic tone)

*****

Grabe. Financial burdens plague me again. Ayaw ko namang hingi nang hingi sa magulang ko. I'm practicing semi-self-independence noh. Mabuti na lang, may income pa akong nakukuha sa tutorial services ko at sa graphic novels ko. Good na iyon.

*****
~Adieu~

Ultimus Fauchelevent

P.S. "Bati na kami ni Barney!"

Tuliro

2007-01-26T06:39:00.000-08:00

Ang sakit ng katawan ko.

Nagmumura na naman ang mga binti ko. Sabi nga nila sa akin, "Hoy, p***** *n* mo, pinagdusa mo kami sa Raon, sa Rob tapos hindi ka pa nadala, inikot mo pa nang inikot eskwelahan mo! Mabuti hindi Diliman iyan!".

Grabe, pasensiya na talaga kayo.

At ang sakit din ng ulo ko.

Dahil nga intrams ngayon, dumiretso muna ako sa Raon (Divisoria malamang)para bumili ng magnets namin sa Physics. Grabe. Wala akong nahanap doon. Puro magnet na malalaki at bilog ang mayroon sila.

Nagkaroon din ako ng de ja 'vu.

One time naglakad ako papunta sa Deeco/Deeko (electronics shop) tapos may nadaanan akong nagbebenta ng DVD/VCD. Aba, at kinausap ako! At alam niyo ba kung anong sinabi ng mahalay?

Mahalay:Miss, nanonood po kayo ng hentai?

At ang mahalay ay hindi na nakuntento sa pagbebenta ng mga malaswang CD, may ginagamit pa siyang TV para magbigay ng preview sa mga tao ng kung anumang content ng franchise niya. Grabe. Hindi na nahiya. Hindi lang naman mga D.O.M. at mga sexually-active ang dumadaan sa Raon, hindi ba? Sana bigla siyang kidlatan.

As much as possible ayaw ko talagang pumupunta sa mga ganoong lugar. Ewan ko. Parang nasusuffocate ako sa dami ng tao at sa availability of space. Hindi ka rin kampante sa gamit mo. Basta. Kaya siguro mabilis na akong umalis.

Nauwi rin ako sa Rob.

Pagkabili ko ng magnet, pumunta ako sa SilverWorks.

Ano bang business ko roon?

Wala noh. Tsismoso ka.

At siyempre, nakarating ako sa Masci nang mga 2:00. Ang galing. The early bird gets the worm. The goat.The chicken. The lizard. The cat. The...Pasia?!

Okay lang na hindi na ako matapos sa pamimili ng portfolio materials...

Okay lang kahit hindi bagay sa kamay ang silver bracelet...

Okay lang kahit mabali na ang mga paa ko sa kakalakad...

Okay lang mainis kapag parang calculator na ibibigay sa iyo ang total cost ng binili mo tapos sasabihin sa iyo na hindi siya marunong...

Okay lang sabihin na tanga...

Okay lang.

Kasi hindi na umaasa.

Basta wala nang makapagbabago ng aking isip...

...

...

...

sa 'yo.

Isang line iyan sa "Tuliro" ng Spongecola.

Hindi ako iyan noh.

Feeling mo.

~Adieu~

Ultimus Fauchelevent

~Cannabis sativa-driven~

2007-01-23T11:15:00.000-08:00

Akalain mo, nagising ako nang 12:30 dahil pag-sign out ko sa YM, hindi ko alam kung ano nang nangyari basta bigla na lang akong nanaginip tapos nagising.

Haha.

At wala pa akong naaaral! Kailan ba ako nag-aral? Kailan ba ako natuto? Hahaha! At anong ginagawa ko? nagiinternet imbes na nagrereview! Wohooo! Murder me! Murder me!

Hindi na ako nakatulog sa paggising ko. Ewan ko. Kahit wala akong ginagawa, palaging nagyayari sa akin iyong nakatulala at gising. Nag-iisip. Ano naman ang iniisip ko? x/x is not equal to test subjects.

At nagugutom na naman ako ngayon.

Aking napagtanto na kapag hindi mo masyadong iniisip and kapag bumalik ka sa iyong normal self, walang dahilan para malungkot.

Kapag hindi mo kinutkot ang isang scab, walang dahilan para dumugo.

Weeee!!!!Pasado ako sa UP! Diliman ang campus ko...at hindi na rin ako aalis! Weee!!!Ang bait talaga ni Lord!

2007-00613 ESTELLA, PAULINE GIDGET RESTERIO DILIMAN BA GOAT STUDIES

Hahaha! Joke.

Forever na ata a kong Journalism. Haha.

Ewan.

Tapusin na nga ito.

Pramis. Bukas, may entry na ulit ako sa iyo.

~Adieu~

Ultimus Fauchelevent

Videoke

2007-01-20T19:27:00.000-08:00

Kailan ba nagsimula ang kalungkutang ito?

Malay.

Basta noong nagsimula ito, I've developed this disgusting habit of listening to - uhm - icky music.

Example.

Someday you're gonna realize
One day you'll see this though my eyes
By then I won't even be there
I'll be happy somewhere
Even if I can't

I know you don't really see my worth
Well I've got news for you
I know I'm not that strong
But it won't take long
Won't take long

Someday someone's gonna love me
The way I wanted you to need me
Someday someone's gonna take your place
One day I'll forget about you
Someday someday

Right now I know you can tell
I'm down and I'm not doing well
But one day these tears they will all run dry
I won't have to cry, sweet goodbye

(not applicable lyrics omitted)

(Sigh)

I have learned my lesson. I won't let things bother me now that Periodic Test season na.

Why, do you always do this to me?
Why, couldn't you just see through me?
How come, you act like this
Like you just don't care at all

Do you expect me to believe
I was the only one to fall?

I can feel, I can feel you near me,
even though you're far away (ang layo kasi ng bhay mo.Weh.)
I can feel, I can feel you baby
Why?

It's not supposed to feel this way
I need you, I need you
More and more each day (kailangang magparehab ng adik)
It's not supposed to hurt this way
I need you, I need you, I need you
Tell me, are you and me still together?
Tell me, do you think we could last forever?
Tell me why

Hey, listen to what we're not saying
Let's play, a different game than what we're playing
Try, to look at me and really see my heart
Do you expect me to believe
I'm gonna let us fall apart?

I can feel, I can feel you near me, even when you're far away
I can feel, I can feel you baby, why?
It's not supposed to feel this way
I need you, I need you
More and more each day
It's not supposed to hurt this way
I need you, I need you, I need you
Tell me, are you and me still together?
Tell me, you think we could last forever?
Tell me, why

So go and think about whatever you need to think about
Go on and dream about whatever you need to dream about
And come back to me when you know just how you feel, you feel

I can feel, I can feel you near me, even though you're far away
I can feel, I can feel you baby, why
It's not supposed to hurt this way
I need you, I need you
More and more each day
It's not supposed to hurt this way
I need you, I need you, I need you
Tell me
It's not supposed to hurt this way
I need you, I need you
More and more each day
It's not supposed to hurt this way
I need you, I need you, I need you
Tell me, are you and me still together?
Tell me, do you think we could last forever?
Tell me, why

(Whew.)

'Yun 'yon.

Super appropriate. First line pa lang smashing na.

"Why...do you always do this to me?"

Parang ako lang nagcompose. Pero sorry na lang ako, kay Avril Lavigne iyan.

Kapag pinaghihiwalay ka na sa sakit sa dibdib mo, magpakababad ka na lang sa kagchan.

Kerek.

Hanggang malunod ka.Tapos mamatay.

Tapos, mareresurrect ka.

Good. Wala ka nang maaalala.

He's always on my mind.
From the time I wake up
Till I close my eyes.
He's everywhere I go.
He's all I need.

...So tell me where do I start, cause it's breaking my heart.
Don't wanna let him go.

My friends keep telling me, that if you really love him
You've gotta set him free
And if he returns in time, I'll know he's mine.
But tell me where do I start,cause its breaking my heart
Don't wanna let him go.

Why i live in despair, cause wide awake or dreaming.
I know he will never care.
And all the time I act so brave, I'm shaking inside.
Why does it hurt me so ?

And all I can do, is hope and pray.
cause heaven knows.

(edited)

Tama. At heaven knows na rin kung ipapasa ko pa ang mga periodic tests!

Naexperience niyo na ba iyong gusto mong mag-aral pero hindi ka makapag-aral dahil gula-gulanit na ang utak mo sa kakaisip sa isang bagay na wala namang pakialam sa iyo?

Basta. Bahala na.

Masasanay din ako sa sama ng loob.

Ngek. So ano 'yun?

Kapag sobrang sakit na, nandiyan pa ang Jollibee, Mcdo,KFC, etc. para saluhin ka.

~Adieu~

Ultimus Fauchelevent

Ang Pag-iyak ni Kimiko

2007-01-18T07:35:00.000-08:00

Sa pagkita ko kay Kimiko na umiyak kanina,bumigat ang loob ko. Parang may caption si Kimko na "Ito ang hitsura ng taong nasaktan". Nasaktan. Saan? Malakas naman pick-up niyo.

Habang tinitignan ko siyang halos humahagulgol na at humihinga nang malalim dahil di makahinga, nanghina rin ako. Una sa lahat, isa siyang super friend at pangalawa, she reminds me of a stupid fungus who stumbled upon a blog she shouldn't have seen 3 months ago.

Because when it hurts so much, you just can't find a way to let it all out. When you cry, you cry so hard you can't breathe.

Pag-uwi ko sa bahay, pagka-upo ko sa tapat ng computer, bigla akong umiyak. Hindi ko alam. Umiyak ako dahil ang daming kaibigan ko ang napakamiserable ngayong araw na ito. Umiyak ako dahil niyakap ako ni Laarni at sinabing huwag na lang ako umasa sa kanya dahil...(complete the statement). It's just different whenever I see her face so serious (alam niyo kasi, 101% ang paniniwala kong lahat ng serious face ni Laarni ay may kasunod na kabarberohan) because she's concerned - and the pity and vexation she feels for me tears me up like hell. Even though matagal ko nang alam ang mga sinabi niya, wala lang.

Parang scab na naman na kinutkot.

It just brought me back to the point lying on the plane of reality (matutuwa si Ma'am Diaz – may geometry.Haha.)

"Hoy, gumising ka. Umaasa ka na naman - iba naman ang gusto niya."

Nang may kinuwento sa akin...

Tumawa na lang ako.

Tawa na lang.

Wish ko nga lang may beer akong baon eh.

Para pagtawa ko, sasabayan ko ng inom ng beer.

All this time I act so brave but I'm shaking inside.

When people keep telling me,

"Marami kang choice. Huwag na lang siya. Tignan mo nga sarili mo, pinapahirapan mo."

Alam ko.

Matagal na.

Mapipigilan ko ba iyon?

Kung kaya nga lang sana.

All this time I act so brave but I'm shaking inside.

~Adieu~

Ultimus Fauchelevent

Bittersweet

2007-01-15T07:48:00.000-08:00

And you just go on...and go on...

Even when you see no hope in it

You just keep on holding on -

You knuckles turn white.

Because it is but a sweet sorrow.

Agonizing.

But the smile is made of sun -

and when you see emptiness within -

when you have nothing more

but you still keep on giving...

the smile is made of sun -

that dries up tears in your eyes.

And the sunshine feels so good...

it keeps you coming back.

It is something you can't give up -

that keeps you from giving up.

~Adieu~

Ultimus Fauchelevent

~A Note of Longing~

2007-01-05T05:36:00.000-08:00

Magtatagalog ulit ako sa post na ito. Kung bakit ay hindi ko alam kaya't marapat lamang na huwag na kayong umangal.

Sadyang napakaganda ng status ng health ko. Napakaginhawa ng pakiramdam ko...nararamdaman ko ang malagkit at makating plema sa lalamunan ko na kahit anong intensity ng pag-ubo ay hindi matanggal.Napakakomportable ng pakiramdam ko.

Salamat sa computer na nagcrash down, bukas na naman kami magtitipon-tipon. Sa kasawiang-palad, hindi ako maaaring hindi na lamang dumalo. Isa pa, maglulunch kaming sabay nila cielo at laarni.

"MA-HAL-KI-TA-NI-COLE!TSUP TSUP!"

Ang lakas ng trip niyo.

"You were just a dream that I once knew...never thought I would be right for you..."

Ang lakas ng trip niyo.

Matapos ang nakakalokong trip ay kumain na kami sa Mcdo. Libre ni Pasia lahat ng float!weee!

Tissue ka diyan kay Laarni. Hindi kailangan ng tissue ni Laarni noh...

Boxing gloves kailangan niya.

Matapos ang aming sharing (imagine mo kung katabi mo si Allister at Dane Marc),nagsiuwian na rin kami. Pero dahil may topak kami ni Cielo, nakuha pa naming pumunta sa Rob. Bibili kasi siya ng regalo para sa pinsan niya.

Pagkatapos niyang mamili ay ako naman ang tumingin ng kung anong perpektong regalo. May nakita naman ako...ngunit babalikan ko iyon some point in the future.

May nakita nga pala kami sa Rob...itago natin siya sa pangalang "SP". Kung ano man ang ibig sabihin ng SP at kung bakit SP ay itanong niyo na lamang sa akin. No bad words...

Pagkatapos ay kasama ko siyang nilakad ang kahabaan ng Taft Avenue.

Mabuti na lang ay may kasama ako hindi katulad kagabi.

Pipiliin ko ang mga batok at tadyak ni Cielo keysa sa pag-iisa ko habang pauwi.

At napakadrama nito.

Nnag kami'y maghiwalay sa sakayan niya, naramdaman kong ayaw ko pang umuwi. Kaya't nilakad ko muli ang Taft.

7-11.

Ano ba ang mayroon sa 7-11 at lagi ko itong binabalikan?

Umupo ako at bumili ng isang siopao.

Ako lang ang nakaupo sa table na iyon...

Bakante ang isang upuan...

Nilunod na naman sa pag-iisa,panghihinayang at pagkalungkot...

Masarap ang siopao...katulad ng hotdog na kinain ko...

Ngunit kahit ilan sigurong sobrang sasarap na siopao ay itatapon ko makasama lang kita sa sandaling iyon.

Ang corny naman nun.

At ang drama.

Sa totoo lamang, kahit anong gawin ko'y ako pa rin ang nangangailangan sa iyo. Sinasabi na rin sa akin ng siopao na kinain ko na ako na ang mauna't tapusin ang kahibangang ito. Ngunit hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit hindi ko ginawa...nagkakagulo na sa isip ko. Nasasanay na kaya akong hindi ka pansinin? Nasasanay na kaya ako sa pamamanglaw na ito?

Gusto na kitang yapusin at damhin ang payat na payat mong katawan at amuyin ang pabango mong dinedeny mo pang ginagamit mo.

Nais ko na itong tapusin.

At kung ako ba ang nagsasalita sa post na ito ay hindi ko alam.

~Adieu~
Placido Mallari Penitente

7-11

2007-01-04T03:22:00.000-08:00

I took Laarni and Ihris to the LRT station before I started going home.

It was somewhat new for me to walk the expanse of Taft Avenue up to Pedro Gil alone. Oftentimes, you get to trek the vast domain of yourself only in solitude. You ponder on things you need to think about.

But I advise that such is hazardous.

It is much better to have workload from hell than to think about things not advisable to think about. The practice is exactly like scratching a scab. Signifies healing - the scab - but when you scratch it it bleeds again and you just made it worse. You revived the pain and the scab should start forming all over again.

I went to 7-11 and bought a jumbo classic hotdog. I brought out my things and started working on the darn humanities script for Roentgen. Every now and then I stare through the window and watch the phantasmagoria in front of 7-11. It wasn't really what you call "phantasmagoria" - it was just people passing by hastily and buses running along the avenue. I just like calling it phantasmagoria - it gives it some sort of majesty.

It just made me feel so bad.

I don't know if it's just the alienation to the situation. I don't know if it's the solitude. I just felt awful.

Good thing the hotdog tastes remarkably better than before.

I left the store at 6.

I could not stand the songs playing.

(-.-)

~Adieu~

Placido Mallari Penitente

phantasmagoria of emotions

2007-01-03T07:07:00.000-08:00

"Pain is better than confusion."

"Hatred swallows a part of your soul - pride devours the rest."

"When you stop tears from coming out, it takes a lot more tears to conceal them again."

"Just when you thought of stopping yourself, you find that it never ends. You just keep coming back and back for more."

"The more it gets inhibited - the more it persists."

"It all gets to the point that you just have to give until there is nothing left for yourself - but you just keep on giving...and giving...and everything has been unhealthy but your addiction to his soul just takes over you like an indomitable power."

"What will you do if the collision of love and hate gives you a choice in the expense of your pride? Will you take it - or just run away?...

like you always do?

"Saying "sorry" is not yielding to power - it's just saying that you care even at the least. "

That's the only thing I want to hear from you.

To end all of this.

Is that hard?

Will it kill you to even let your walls drop and stop ignoring me?

Will it kill you to let go of your pride?

or will you just pretend to hear nothing? to be oblivious to everything except yourself?

Don't make me hate you again, please.

I've had enough of this hurt.

~Adieu~

Placido Mallari Penitente

Go to hell, 2006

2006-12-31T22:07:00.000-08:00

Action-packed ang mga huling araw ng 2006. Medyo marami akong maibabahagi. Ang galing...ang husay ko na mag-Tagalog.
~~~~~~~~~
Pumunta kami kahapon sa Project 8. Nagkaroon kasi ng pagtitipon ang aming angkan sa father's side. Nagmistulang studio ng ABS ang bahay doon. Ang daming artista.

Well...

Hindi kami ganoon ka-close hindi katulad ng mga pinsan ko sa madir's side (Malamang. Ewan ko na lang kung hindi kayo maging close eh nasa iisang bahay na nga lang kayo.). Nevertheless, nag-enjoy pa rin naman ako.

Ang dami ngang games eh. Nagkaroon nga sila ng "Winner Takes All~Bato-Bato-Pik Version" kung saan ang bawat kalahok ay bibigyan ng initial fund na 50 pesos. Basta. Alam niyo na 'yung mechanics. Grabe. Ang galing ko nga mag-bato-bato-pik eh. Nabilib nga ako sa sarili ko. Ang husay ko talaga. Siyempre, normal lang na walang makakatalo sa akin kundi isang master sa bato-bato-pik. Nagkataon lang na ang nakalaban ko ay isang master sa bato-bato-pik. At nagkataon din na siya ang una kong kalaban.

At nagkataon din na 6 years old lang siya.

Nagkaroon din ng bonding effect. Ang dami ko ngang nai-share eh. Grabe. Halos dinodominate ko na nga ang usapan. Tignan mo:

"Na-meet ko 'yung boyfriend ko sa Fair. 3 years ang tanda niya sa akin."
"MU kami pero committed na siya..."
"Naguguluhan nga ako kung sino kay Claire at Diana eh."
"Masayang-masaya na ako sa relationship namin."
"Hoy Pau, ikaw naman magsalita. Wala ka man lang bang lovelife?"

Ganda: "Uh?"

"May boyfriend ka ba?"

Ganda: "Uh?"

"Crush?"

Ganda: "Nagugutom ako."

~~~~~~~~

Nagbantay ako sa computer shop ng pinsan ko doon. Ako kasi ang dakilang tagabantay ng computer shop. Oi ang kapal ng mukha mo...hindi 'yun tactic para tumakas sa bonding churbah ah...Hainacu.Pramis.

~~~~~~~~

"Kamusta naman 'yung sinabi sa akin na boyfriend mong model?"

Oh.

Ganda: "Gusto mo ng blueberry cheese cake?"

~~~~~~~~

Kung iniisip mo na gumawa ako ng mga obvious at walang kwentang mga attempt upang umiwas sa mga mapanghi (punchline:mapanghimasok), puwes ikaw ay nagkakamali na naman. Sadyang...uhm...ang environment at factors sa paligid ay walang capacity na mag-allow ng isang mainam na conversation at information-sharing. Malaki rin ang chances na magdulot ito ng destructive interference kaya walang maaring magresult na communication. Maniwala kayo sa akin. Pramis.

~~~~~~~~

Napag-alaman ko rin na malaki ang probability na maging "boy" in the future ang mga babae sa father's side ko. Tatlo na nga sa mga pinsan kong babae ang tuluyan nang naging lalaki. Ang gwapo nga nila eh. Ibig sabihin, may genes kami ng kabaklaan. Well, bakla rin naman ako eh. Si Placido ay umiibig sa isang babae rin. Hindi ba? Ewan. Hindi ko sure ang mga facts na iyan.

~~~~~~~~

"Oh, bakit hindi ka uuwi ngayon sa Tondo?"
"Ha? Sa Pasay ako ngayon."
"Bakit? Hindi ka uuwi ngayon sa girlfriend mo?"
"(Mahinang tawa)Ano ba? Hindi na kami ni *Minnie."

And he said that as casual as "kamusta na?".

Parang wala lang.

Naisip ko, matagal na rin 'yung pinsan kong 'yun at si *Minnie. Paanong nagkaganoon at parang...parang wala lang sa kanya na wala na...basta.

~~~~~~~~

"Suko na ako sa 'yo."

~~~~~~~~

Humihingi siya ng chance na ibalik ang lahat.

Si Kikyo.

Wala na akong galit na nararamdaman para sa kanya. Wala nang kahit ano. Nothing.

Manliligaw daw ulit.

Paano kung nanliligaw na ang nililigawan mo?

~~~~~~~~

Fanfic mode

"Go home now. You're drunk as hell. Go now."

Still he continued dancing - tippler dance.

"Go home now,Matthew. You're making a fool out of yourself, for goodness' sake- Go -"
"Leave me alone. I don't want to go home."
"Look at yourself! You've had enough-"
"Why?! Do you even care?"

There was a pause amidst the chorus of the crowd "Sayaw, Matthew! Sayaw, Matthew!" and giggles and screams from where you can't determine whether they're girls or gays.

She grabbed him by the scruff of his shirt.

"You're going home now."

He wiggled free and shot her a dagger look.

"Stop it! Get the hell out of here! You don't care anymore. Leave me alone."
"You're going home."
"No. You're not answering my question. Do you even care about me or not?! Do you still care?", he exclaimed loud enough for everyone to hear.

Almost as automatic as a voice prompt, several eathlings who don't have the least trademark of God's handicraft stained this world with the brazen ugliness of their existence by singing in unison.

"Sana maulit muli..."

All right, he pressed a nerve.

"Fine. Go and get raped by those gays there."

~~~~~~~~

"Wewewewewng..."(alarm ng kotse)

"Oh anong nangyari?"
"May naglagay ng whistlebomb sa ilalim ng kotse."

Ganda: "Oh? Sino naman kaya 'yung sira-ulong 'yun?"

Oh ano na naman? Iniisip mo bang ako 'yung naglagay ng whistlebomb. Ang sama mo talaga.

Well, tama ka. Ako nga.

~~~~~~~~

Ang sarap talaga ng graham cake na ito. At mahaba na rin itong entry na ito. Kaya tinatapos ko na. Happy New Year!

~Adieu~

Placido Mallari Penitente

Salamat.Grabe.Salamat.I can't thank you enough.

2006-12-30T07:42:00.000-08:00

Hinintay nang buong araw.

Kinausap.

Hindi pinansin.

Naghintay.

Wala pa rin.

Masakit na ang mga mata sa kakababad sa computer.

Naghihintay sa "insert name here is now online".

Nag-online.

Kinausap.

Hindi pinansin.

Naghintay.

Tumawag.

Busy.

Naghintay.

12 am.

Dumating.

Kinausap.

Sumagot.

"Sa lahat ng pm ko buong araw ngayon ka lang sumagot.Waw.Ang galing naman.Salamat.You make my day."

....

...

"Kailangan ko nang tapusin ang Pisika."

Wow.

Ramdam na ramdam ko ang iyong pagpapahalaga.

Maraming salamat.

~~~~~~~~

(So much for vows not to make emotional posts.)

~~~~~~~~

~Adieu~

Placido Mallari Penitente

Introduksyon

2006-12-30T00:40:00.000-08:00

Bagong blog.

Naipanganak na kasi ang apo mo sa tuhod eh hindi mo pa rin naviview ang mga posts ko. Ang bilis ng Tripod noh? Grabe, kahit pagsama-samahin pa ang Blogger,Blogdrive,Wordpress o Xanga, Tripod pa din ako.Ang bilis kasi eh.

Sa mga nagtatanong, ang image sa itaas ay aking nilikha ngunit ang ibang graphics nito ay hindi originally sa akin kundi sa isang nagngangalang Miss Ice Angel. Iyong lay-out, inedit ko naman ang blogskin na nilikha ni ambivalente 11. Masasabi ko ngang recycled itong blogskin ko pero temporary pa naman ito. Hinihintay ko pa kasi ang pinagawa kong blogskin kay Mr. Christian Sta. Ana. Bumilib kasi ako sa kanyang bloggie .

Pabago-bago na nga pala ako ng blog. Nakapagtry na ako sa Blogdrive, sa Tripod, sa Xanga....subalit wala talagang nakahuli ng aking panlasa. Mahirap mag-edit sa Blogdrive. Ayoko sa Blogger sapagkat halos buong populasyon ng Masci ay gumagamit nito. Ayoko sa Xanga dahil masyadong plain. Ayoko sa Blogger sapagkat halos buong populasyon ng Masci ay gumagamit nito. Ayoko sa WordPress sapagkat limited ang editing features. Ayoko sa Blogger sapagkat halos buong populasyon ng Masci ay gumagamit nito. Ayoko sa Tabulas sapagkat mahirap mag-promote. Ayoko sa Blogger sapagkat halos buong populasyon ng Masci ay gumagamit nito. Ayoko na sa Tripod (ay mali...gusto ko pala.)dahil sobrang bilis magload ng blog nila. Ayoko sa Blogger sapagkat halos buong populasyon ng Masci ay gumagamit nito. Ayoko sa Bravenet sapagkat marami pang chenes bago ka makapagsimula at medyo isang dekadang mas mabilis keysa Tripod. Ayoko sa Blogger sapagkat halos buong populasyon ng Masci ay gumagamit nito.

Welcome to Blogger, Placido Penitente.

Pero sa totoo lang, ayoko talagang lisanin ang luma kong blog sa Tripod. Una sa lahat, mabilis siya. Ano na naman? Bakit ba hindi mo siniseryoso iyong sinabi ko? Ang sama mo. Uhm!(sampal).Ikalawa, dahil madali siyang maaccess.

Hainacu.

Pero ang totoo talaga niyan, ayaw kong lisanin ang Tripod sapagkat ang dami ko nang hinanakit at emosyon na nailabas sa nasabing blog.

Hindi ko pa naman siya binubura. Malaya ka pa ring puntahan siya. Maari po lamang na tumungo kayo sa pahina ng links. Mabilis siya. Pramis. Parang si Ginang Mallari lang.

Kung sinisipag ako, itatransfer ko ang mga previous posts ko sa Tripod dito. Mabilis lang iyan. Madalas naman akong sinisipag eh. Pramis. Parang pagpasa lang iyan ng portfolio. Dapat laging on-time. Hoy ang kapal ng mukha mo! On-time ako magpasa ah....si Ginang de Leon kahit hindi niya sinasabi sa amin ay alam kong lihim na ineextend ang pasahan ng portfolio. Maniwala kayo sa akin.

Sige.

Medyo nasapian ata ako ngayon.

Alam niyo, gusto ko ulit maligo. Ang init kasi.

Paalam. Balikan kita mamaya.

~Adieu~

Placido Mallari Penitente